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How do you make yourself happy?

I overheard my 11 year old daughter tell her friend “my mom doesn’t laugh very much.”

WOW!!  That sucks to hear from your own child.  I feel horrible for her. What kind of mom am I?  Well, in that exact moment, I felt like a pretty shitty one. 

My life has not been an easy one and it has taken it’s toll on me. But now, it’s clear that I’m not the only one it has taken a toll on. How do I fix this?  I’m not genuinely happy and I haven’t been in a long time. Honestly, other than some good days here and there, I think happiness abandoned me as a small child. I thought I had done a better job at not letting my past affect my life now. I thought I did a good job of hiding all my pain. Maybe I have done ok at hiding the pain, but clearly I failed at faking happiness. 

I don’t want to be the mom who doesn’t laugh. I want my kids to have fun with me. How do I get my happiness back?  Where do you find it when it’s been missing for over 30 years?

Any suggestions?