Better Me Challenge – Day 1

Tags

challenge, inspiration, love yourself

Yesterday I wrote a blog about challenging myself to be a better me.  In an attempt to force myself to follow through with this challenge, I plan to write about what I’ve done each day.  You can read the 21 day challenge here.

Today is Day 1 and I am supposed to compliment myself.  As I said yesterday, I have always had a difficult time accepting compliments so this one is definitely a challenge.  I started this challenge by drafting a list of positive things about me.

1. I have a strong faith in God.
2. I am compassionate and empathetic.
3. I am pretty organized.
4. I have a huge heart.
5. I am a great cook.
6. I am a good listener.
7. I love deeply.
8. I am extremely passionate about things that are important to me, but honor others’ opinions.
9. I am open minded.
10. I am not a hypocrite.
11. I am intelligent.
12. I love to help others.
13. I am pragmatic.

So there’s my list.  It was a bit difficult at first as most of what came to mind were my faults or negative things instead.  As I got going, it began to get much easier, surprisingly.

I was asked many years ago by a therapist to make the same list.  I was not able to come up with one single thing for several minutes.  I remember being extremely uncomfortable with the request.  My ability to do this now without discomfort lets me know that I am well on my way to healing.  Woohoo!!

There are two ways of loving yourself.  One is being conceited or arrogant, thinking you are better than everyone else which is a sin and then there is naturally loving yourself which is what God intended for each of us.

– Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these.

Mark 12:31

We must first love ourselves so that we may properly love others.  Without loving and understanding ourselves, how are we capable of establishing boundaries for others to love us. If we don’t love ourselves we often allow others to mistreat us, hurt us and use us.

Search within yourself to make your own list of positive things and start loving yourself more.  I feel better already.

Tomorrow’s challenge…Complement a Stranger.  I can’t wait!

 

 

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Be a better you

Tags

God, inspiration, kindness

Ever feel like you aren’t being as good as you can be?  Want to be better?  There are all kinds of challenges out there so why not challenge ourselves to be a better person. Starting tomorrow, for the next 21 days I am going to make a conscious effort to be a better person.  Try it with me.

 

Day 1 – Compliment Yourself – It has always been hard for me to accept compliments from others.  I never know what to say when someone says something nice to me so I usually just find a way to give credit to someone or something else.  Try complimenting yourself today.  Make a list of all the good things about you and then go back and read it out loud to yourself.

 

Day 2 – Compliment a stranger – So now that you’ve seen how good it feels to compliment yourself, try complementing a stranger.  We have all walked past someone or sat next to someone and thought, I love her hair or what a nice smile…don’t suppress that thought..go ahead and say it out loud.  You could even leave a positive or encouraging comment on a blog. (hint hint)

Day 3 – Spend time with God at the beginning of your day and again at the end – Take a few minutes while you’re drinking your coffee to talk to God.  Let Him know where you need Him most in your day.  When it’s time for bed, don’t forget to spend some time thanking Him.

 

Day 4 – Focus on life’s blessings – It is so easy to focus on the negative things in our life or on what we don’t have, but wouldn’t it feel better to focus on something more positive?  Try spending the day focusing on only the blessings you have in your life.  Focusing on the blessings should make it easier to accept the things you don’t have.

 

Day 5 – Stay away from social media for 24 hours – You can do it!  Social media can take up a lot of your time and energy.  See if you have more motivation once you’ve spent a few hours away from it.

 

Day 6 – Use them manners you’re momma taught ya – Put your phone down and notice those around you.  Don’t forget your please and thank you’s.  Hold the door open for someone, let an elderly person or a mother have your seat (unless you are elderly or a mother).

 

Day 7 – Sing out loud in your car – Sing like no one can hear you.  Just let the music get into your soul and belt it out like Carrie Underwood.  Shake your head, clap your hands or play the drums on your steering wheel too. It really doesn’t matter who sees you.  If it puts a smile on their face you get a bonus win for the day!

 

Day 8 – Do something nice for someone but keep it a secret – We should all show kindness
without needing praise from others.  Find a way to do something nice for someone without posting it on social media or sharing with your friends.  Always be kind and humble.

 

Day 9 – Don’t complain/stop all negative talk – Can you spend a whole day without complaining about something?  You probably don’t even realize how much you complain so this could be an eye-opening exercise.

Day 10 – Get out of your comfort zone and do something you wouldn’t normally do – Go to a restaurant or a movie by yourself.  Start a conversation with a stranger, go skydiving.

Day 11 – Just breathe – Give yourself 30 minutes of you time to take a bubble bath with candles and some soothing music.  Leave the phone in the other room (unless that’s how you listen to music – but ignore all notifications or calls).  If you don’t like candles and music, read a book…a real book, not one from an app on your phone.

 

Day 12 – Volunteer – take sometime today to volunteer to at a local charity.  Find a cause that’s important to you and give your time.

 

 

Day 13 – Tip your server generously – Most people don’t realize that servers don’t make minimum wage…not even close.  Instead of 15-20%, give a big tip the next time you go out to eat.  You will make their day.

 

Day 14 – Take a walk – Go for a walk.  It doesn’t have to be a long walk and you don’t have to walk fast.  Just spend some quality time with yourself and reflect.

 

Day 15 – Don’t judge – Do you find yourself people watching and pointing out someone else’s faults?  Don’t do that today.  Also, don’t judge those you know.  It is not for us to judge, that task is saved for God.

 

Day 16 – Do something you love – Dance to your favorite song, read a book, cook your favorite recipe, go shopping, or go for a picnic with your best friend.  Find something you love but haven’t done in a while and commit the time to do it.

Day 17 – Find a bible verse or quote that encourages you – Memorize it and share with someone else.

 

Day 18 – Send a note of encouragement to someone you know – We never know what battle someone is fighting so your words may be what makes all the difference.

 

Day 19 – Write a goodbye letter to something you need to get rid of – We are all carrying things or people around with us that have a negative influence in our lives.  Take out the trash today and write a goodbye letter.  You don’t have to show anyone the letter, but by putting the words on paper, it gives you more power and a better chance of letting it go.

 

Day 20 – Avoid Procrastination – Take out that to-do list and take care of those things you have been putting off.

 

Day 21 – Smile more – Smiling is infectious.  It also
makes people suspicious.  Either way, you win so make a conscious effort to smile more today.

 

 

My hope is that in 21 days, I won’t have to make such a conscious effort to be better, I will learn to treat myself and others with more kindness.

Be on the lookout for upcoming posts on my progress.

 

 

 

 

 

Trapped

Tags

death, Domestic Violence, survivor, trapped

The Titanic is one of my all time favorite movies.  I remember the first time I saw it I thought for sure Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet must have truly been in love because it is the most realistic portrayal of a love story that I’ve ever seen.  I remember sobbing while watching thinking that I was never going to know that kind of love.  (Thankfully I was wrong.)

In the movie, Jack tells Rose of his true feelings.  He also tells her:  “They’ve got you trapped Rose and you’re gonna die if you don’t break free.”

Obviously, Rose’s fiancé was no Prince Charming, but the one scene in the movie where he became angry at Rose after her escapades in the lower deck with Jack the night before was a reminder of the life I was living at that time.  In that scene he violently throws the table to the side while the dishes crash to the ground filling Rose with fear.  Standing just a few inches from her face he reminds her that she belongs to him and shall do as he commands. 

Unfortunately in that actual time period, this was commonly the behavior of many men.  Men were permitted to hit “their” women if they felt it necessary.  It was definitely a sign that Rose’s future with him was almost guaranteed to turn more violent.

Now this is just a movie and we all know that Rose chooses Jack over the pompous ass that she is engaged to, but I bet many women watching this movie, like me, could relate to that feeling of being trapped.  I felt trapped and to be honest, if I hadn’t broken free I could really have died.  Either by the hand of my abuser or my own.  Lord knows I had considered it, even tried.

Many men and women today think they have the right to hit their partner leaving them feeling like they are trapped and if they don’t break free they may die.  Being trapped in a relationship with someone who uses control and violence can feel like death.  You lose who you are, you lose your self-esteem, you lose purpose.  Some welcome death over living this way.  No one should live that way.  I was lucky enough to get out, but so many aren’t.

If you are trapped in abusive relationship, please know that there is a way out.  There is help out there.  If you don’t know where to turn, please ask.  I would be glad to help you.

For help or if you just need to talk…marcellaann91@gmail.com.

 

 

Pillowcases for Survivors

Tags

domestic abuse, faith, new business adventure, pillowcases, sexual abuse, survivors

I had a dream a few months ago that resulted in my waking up thinking, “I need to make pillowcases.”  No, I haven’t lost my marbles…yet.  That seems like a very strange thing to wake up thinking to me also.  Everyone already has pillowcases.  They come as a set with bed sheets.  Why should people buy more pillowcases from me?  Well, I’m still not sure I have the complete answer to that.  Other than I have a very strong feeling this is what God wants me to do.  So I’m going to do it.  I’m going to start sewing pillowcases today.  I went out over the weekend and bought some really cool fabrics and I’m going to make some really cool pillow cases.

I’m going to make your not so standard pillowcases for your bed as well as removable pillowcases for those decorative pillows on your couches as well as covers for your dog and cat beds.  They are going to be in all different colors, designs and sizes and are going to have some special little touches to add some flare and pizzazz to your home.

The best part of this whole adventure is that a portion of the proceeds is going to go towards helping end domestic and sexual violence. Now I know God didn’t tell me to make pillowcases so that I can get rich.  He told me to make them so that I can help support this cause to stop violence in our homes.

I have a lot to do to put all of this together and make a successful go at it.  I have just started with my business plan and am working on how much to charge for each pillowcase, how much I will contribute to each organization, which organizations I should focus on… I have not yet put all the business pieces together, but I will find the answers to all those questions this week as I get to work.

I will be praying a lot for discipline as I’ve gotten quite used to sitting my butt on the couch and watching television.  I will also be asking God for guidance as I determine which organization(s) to support.  My first thought was to support local shelters as I know they need all the help they can get.  I will definitely support them, but I want to make a more proactive stance to try to stop the violence by providing resources to help educate men, women, and children.

So, I am scared to death, but excited to see where God leads me and my family.  I have complete faith in Him and know that with His help, I can do my part to make a difference.  I have already set up my work station and I am ready to start working.  Wish me luck!

 

Moving Company Helping Survivors of DV

Tags

Domestic Violence, helping survivors, movers, survivors, victims

I read an article this morning about a moving company in California that helps survivors get out of abusive relationships.  Meathead Movers provides moving services for free to survivors of domestic violence who need help getting away from their abuser.  They have partnered with many California women’s shelters to provide a safe way for women and children in their area to get away.

We all know how difficult it is to get away from an abuser.  I remember the first time I moved out.  I’ll never forget that day.

He had offered to help me move my things out because he did not want anyone else in the house helping me.  On the morning of the move I woke up to him being gone.  He wouldn’t answer his phone so I started moving things on my own.  I finally reached him and he said he wasn’t going to help me.  So now, with the help of just 2 of my girl friends I had to move my things myself into a 2nd floor apartment.  I had already made a couple of trips on my own and headed back to the house for another load and he showed up.  I was trying to move my daughters’ bunk bed out and he came in yelling and screaming at me.  I decided to scrap the idea of getting anything with him there so I told the girls to get in the truck.  As I was heading to the truck he was throwing their bunk bed out of the door and into the yard.  I ran back to the door to ask him to stop and remind him that it was his daughters’ bed that he was destroying, not mine.  With one remaining piece of the heavy wooden bed he slammed me to the concrete.  My daughter (5 years old then) comes running from the truck crying and yelling “Daddy stop!  Please daddy stop!”  It tore my heart clean out of my chest hearing my daughter beg her father to stop hurting her mother.  I yelled at her to run and I did the same.  I barely got my truck door closed and locked as he was jumping on the running boards hanging on by the rack on the top of my truck.  I sped out of the driveway as he slid off the truck leaving my girls’ bed in pieces on the ground.  We all cried almost the whole way to my new apartment.  As we drove the 15 minutes to our new safe place, I couldn’t help but continue to look in the rearview mirror expecting to see him following us.

If only I had known about a moving company in Texas that offered free moving services, I could have spared my daughters that horrible memory.

Meathead Movers has been helping survivors for almost 20 years with most of the world not even knowing about it.  Since they are getting so much media attention, other businesses in California have begun to reach out and help survivors with things like free facials and haircuts, donating to local women’s centers, etc…  My hope is that more people will hear about the generosity of these companies and other companies will follow suit all around the world, not just in California.

If you know of any other moving companies or other service providers that offer free services to survivors of abuse, please comment below so that we can share this information to others who aren’t aware.

The full article about Meathead Movers and their amazing support for survivors is available here: Movers Help Domestic Violence Survivors

 

 

 

Respecting Ourselves

Tags

love yourself, respect, selfie

Yesterday I wrote about respect and about respecting others. We really need to first respect ourselves.  Today I see so many people who clearly do not have any respect for themselves or their bodies.  We were all made by God to be different.  We all look different; think differently; feel differently; like different things.  That’s how it was meant to be.  Some are more attractive than others, smarter than others, some feel more confident and there are so many that also don’t feel pretty enough or smart enough or confident enough.

Having respect for ourselves means accepting ourselves for the way we are and owning it. Appreciating what we are whether it is better or less than someone else.  We shouldn’t even compare ourselves to someone else, honestly but we all do.

Part of respecting ourselves means respecting our bodies.  There are a few different ways to do that.  One is taking good care of our bodies.  Now I’m not saying everyone should go to the gym everyday or eat nothing but organic foods.  It just means make good choices in what we eat and exercise a bit.  It also means loving our bodies for what they are and honoring them and ensuring others honor them as well.  Not demanding that people treat you or your body with respect shows that can’t really respect yourself.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and talk about selfies.  I apologize if I upset anyone, but it makes me sad when I see people constantly sharing “selfies” on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or any other means of social media.  It makes me feel that they don’t see the beauty in themselves or respect themselves.  Instead, they crave compliments from others to feel good enough about themselves.  If only they could see how beautiful they are in God’s eyes and in the eyes of those who know and love them, they wouldn’t need the temporary fix from others. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder so when looking in the mirror at ourselves, we should see our own beauty.  Oddly enough, the ones who are screaming for compliments are actually really stunning in most everyone’s eyes and shouldn’t need someone else to tell them they are beautiful to believe it.

Respecting yourself also means being aware of how you express yourself to others.  Too many women/girls wear clothes that don’t really fit or that show off their “assets”.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should all wear turtlenecks and long pants by any means.  You all know what I’m talking about.  We all see those tiny, tiny shorts or shirts that barely cover what should be covered.  What happened to respecting our bodies and saving our assets for our partner?  (Remember, I have said before, I was raised the old fashion way).  Many people will judge someone who is dressed like Daisy Duke in The Duke’s of Hazard and think “she’s a whore” or “she’s trash”.  When I see that, I think that is someone who doesn’t respect their body because and don’t see their beauty so they are showing it off for attention.  It usually gets attention, but not the right kind or not from the right kind of person.

Again, this all comes down to teaching our children to respect themselves.  We put so much emphasis on body image.   I am guilty of that myself.  I have said so many times: “I am so fat” in front of my own children to which they always so “No you’re not mom!”  Most wouldn’t call me “fat”.  I can definitely lose 20 pounds, but I am not what most would refer to as “fat”.  What kind of lesson am I teaching my own children about body image?  Am I teaching them that unless they are the media’s version of a perfect woman, they aren’t good enough?  I hope not.  Instead I should show them that we should take care of our bodies, but God made us who we are and we should love ourselves no matter what.

It shouldn’t take revealing clothes or compliments from others to make us feel good about ourselves.  We should respect ourselves and our bodies and with that, we will begin to feel our own beauty.

 

Respect – Where did it go?

 

Whatever happened to teaching children respect?  Respect for themselves, respect for their parents, respect for others in general.  I guess my parents were just old school.  I was brought up to say ma’am and sir and to treat others as I would want to be treated.  Boy how times have changed.

We live in a world where children grow up feeling entitled.  So many are not being taught to work hard and help others.  Instead it’s a world where he or she steps on or over others to climb higher on that ladder of success.  We prey on others’ weaknesses instead of building them up.  Where did we go wrong?

I remember as a child saying “when I have kids I won’t treat them the way my parents treated me.”  Thankfully I changed my way of thinking when I became an adult and realized that my parents were just trying to prepare me for the real world and make sure I was kind, thankful, respectful, and compassionate as an adult.

I spend a lot of time people watching when I am out.  The mall food court is a great place for people watching.  I’m not watching to make fun of others or to judge them, I am pay attention to what they are doing and how they are treating others.  You can see a lot if you put down your cell phone and really watch.  I see a lot of people ignoring the others in their group as well as everyone around them; teenagers rolling their eyes at their parents; kids trying to get the attention they so badly desire from their parents; and just plain ole rudeness.

The other day I was walking through the food court as I was leaving the mall and I saw a woman trying to carry a tray full of food while also trying to push a cart.  Her husband was at the table getting their very small children situated at a table while mom got lunch.  She must have walked past half a dozen people or more that either didn’t even notice her or pretended not to.  I ran up to her and offered to carry the tray for her so that she could focus on the cart without dropping their lunch on the nasty food court floor.  Shortly after I got there, her husband arrived to help her with their heavy load.  They were both so appreciative and kept thanking me.  I didn’t do it for appreciation.  I did it because that was what I was supposed to do.  That’s what we are all supposed to do.  I saw someone who needed help and I helped.  That is what my parents taught me to do.  That’s the way the world used to be.  That is before everything became about “me” or “us”.

It makes me terribly sad to see how the world has changed so much and not for the better.  I will continue to teach my children to respect others as well as themselves in hopes that they will teach their children to teach their children and so on and so on.  I can’t change the world myself although it only takes one person to start the change.

Can you make a change?  Do you teach your children to respect others and to do for others as they’d have done for themselves?  If you haven’t, please consider making a change.  It really will be something that your children appreciate when they get older.  They will thank you for it one day.

How do you cope?

Tags

abuse, coping, help

What do you do to cope with life after abuse?  Do you withdraw?  Do you talk about it?  Do you participate in creative therapy?  There are many ways to cope with an abusive past.  No matter how long it’s been, there are days that you relive the trauma as if it just happened.  At least, I have those days and when I do, I tend to pull away from those close to me.  I withdraw.  They can’t quite understand.

This week I have been doing a bit of research on resources available for survivors.  I created a Facebook page for survivors a few weeks ago and I wanted to find some ways to make my site more valuable to those who have joined.  In doing that I found that there are organizations out there that provide forums for discussions related to abuse.  I can’t believe I hadn’t run across them before.  I felt pretty stupid actually.  I should have known they were out there.  There are forums for everything and everyone.

There were two organizations that I found to be quite interesting so I signed up for them.  I was pretty excited to have discovered a new way to help with the memories of my past.  Check them out for yourself:  Fort Refuge or Pandora’s Project.  Each site has a multitude of forums that address all aspects of abuse and then some.  There are forums to ask questions or get information about the legal process of reporting abuse, mental health, healing, co-parenting with an abusive partner, self-harm, self-expression…you name it, they’ve got it.  I found both of them to be super easy to post, read, and communicate with other survivors.

Both sites are open to survivor supporters as well as survivors which I thought was awesome.  As I said earlier, those closest to us don’t always get it so having a place for them to try to get a better understanding of what we go through as well as get advice from other survivors or supporters is pretty great.   There are some forums or chat rooms that are only available to survivors or can only be accessed with a special password per request.  These are the ones where survivors can share their personal stories and things with a more sensitive or personal nature that you don’t want everyone to see.  There are also public forums that pretty much anyone can see.  It is suggested that you use these strictly for introductions and general topics.  There are strong warnings about not putting personal information out there on the public forums.  They even have moderators to help and monitor the content of the posts to keep people from being hurt or exposed.

I’ve only been on the sites for a few days now, but so far I’m finding them to be very encouraging and empowering.  Especially for those that are just beginning their healing process or not quite sure what to do.  In reading through a few of the stories, it both breaks my heart and gives me hope.  There are many stories that make me feel like my experiences with abuse are really small potatoes compared to what some have been through.  It is horrible what people can do to others.  Incomprehensible.  Some of the stories brought me to tears and made me want to run to the writer and wrap my arms around them so tight telling him/her it will all be alright.  I’ve come close to replying and saying that, but I don’t…because for some it will never be alright again.

In spite of the sadness that comes with reading the stories, many of them provide hope and healing.  The forums give hope to those who have been abused, hope that there is a better tomorrow when they hear from a “seasoned” survivor who has been able to get out of an abusive relationship or who has first hand experience that life can get better.  It also gives me hope that more will speak out and ask for help.  I think most of all, I’m so thankful that there is a place for those who have secrets in their closet that before these forums, had nowhere to turn for help without fear of exposure to those around them.  Many survivors of abuse don’t want anyone they know to know what they’ve been through.  They may not be ready to “come out” about what happened to them with their friends or family so these forums give them an outlet to talk about their feelings, what they’ve been through, and their fears and frustrations without worry or judgment.

I intend to continue using the forums to help out where I can and learn a thing or two myself.  I am excited to see so many resources available and will share any awesome or helpful finds.

If you want to find more information and resources, check out my Facebook page  Surviving This Life.

How to Get a Personal Protection Order

Protection orders, sometimes referred to as restraining orders and injunctions, are available to those experiencing domestic violence as one safety tool. A protection order forbids and attempts to restrain …

Source: How to Get a Personal Protection Order

Til It Happens To You

Tags

campus rape, rape, transgender rape

This was very very hard for me to watch and it brought me to tears…sobbing tears, but I think it is too important not to share.  Please watch with caution.