For the last week I’ve been asking myself if writing this blog is actually helping or making things worse. I’m still not sure what that answer is. I find that writing about my past is causing problems with my present. I’ve been feeling more angry, impatient and somewhat numb. Not to mention the fight it caused with my sister when she finally read a post and decided to defend one of the ones responsible for so much of my pain. I feel like I’m bringing everything back to the surface. Part of me thinks that is what I’m supposed to do so that I can move passed it, but the other part of me is hurting all over again for what I thought was over and done with.
I wrote my sister a long letter the other day and for the first time, I expressed my feelings to her and my disappointment in how little support she has ever given me. I didn’t even realize that I felt some of the things I wrote in the letter. I cried and cried as I was writing it without realizing that I was even hurt by her.
I find myself more and more frustrated and impatient with my victims when they are defending their abuser. I spoke to one this morning for about 45 minutes and I got angry with her when she started blaming herself and saying she was not the easiest person to live with. Thank goodness I was able to control my anger while talking with her, but where did my compassion go? Why am I getting so angry instead of showing empathy and understanding?
At home I feel numb. I don’t know why. I absolutely love my husband and I love the life that we have now, but I just don’t feel that flood of happiness I usually do.
In this job and for those that deal with the sort of things I deal with on a daily basis, there is a lot of talk about self-care. Experts say that we need to be careful with vicarious trauma where we let the trauma of others affect us personally. It’s important to take care of ourselves in order to care for others. Is it that my job is just getting to me? I’ve had some pretty tough cases lately so maybe I’m just experiencing some burn-out.
Is it burn-out or is it my own past haunting me? Is my talking about my past causing me to feel numb and unable to feel compassion because I’m angry about what happened to me? Is this normal? Am I supposed to feel worse before I feel better? Should I stop writing about my own experiences and focus on helping others?
Lots of questions…I hope I can find the answers and start feeling more like myself soon.