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helpWho is there to help the ones who help others?  Who encourages them and gives them strength when they struggle to find it themselves?  Who can they turn to when they feel like crawling into a ball in the corner of the room and shutting the world out?  I have asked those questions many times before in my moments of frustration and desperation.  This morning I find myself asking them again.  I find myself in the middle of a panic attack not knowing which way to turn and wanting to shrink away into the shadows.

I’m not a counselor, but I consider what I do counseling to some degree.  I provide encouragement and support to those who need it.  I want them to believe in themselves, believe they can do anything they want if they just try.  I believe in myself, but there are moments that we all need someone whispering in our ear telling us we can do it, someone to help push us along.  I ask people what their goals are, what they want for their lives.  I even go as far as helping them find the tools and resources to reach those goals.  I feel that is all part of being supportive and part of my reason for being in this world.  I want others to succeed and I will help them however I can.   But where is that person to ask me what my goals are and showing me the path to reaching them?  Is that selfish thinking on my part?  I feel that it is, but it doesn’t negate the fact that I feel lost sometimes and just wish there was someone to give me the tools and the push I need to follow through with my dreams.  I can’t ever remember in my life having someone that stayed on me to follow my dreams.  It was so easy to quit and there was no one there saying don’t quit, you will regret it one day.  How my life might have been so much different if there had been.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had great people in my life and support.  As a child growing up I had a very loving mother who took great care of me.  She didn’t know I was struggling so much and even if she had, I don’t think she would have known what to do to help me.  I was independent and didn’t know how to ask for help.  I’ve always been that way and still am.  I have 3 older brothers who unfortunately I am not very close to.  I wish that was different, but they never understood me.  They didn’t see the pain I was going through.  They didn’t believe it was as bad as it was for me.  Growing up, I never learned to rely on them like sisters usually do.  I’ve been asked before, “Why didn’t you tell one of your brothers so they could take care of that bastard?”  The sad truth is I didn’t think they cared or would have believed me.  I thought they might find some way to blame me.  Now I still have my family and I have my husband, but do I want to burden them with my weak moments?   I don’t.  I do that enough with my husband.  Sure he may not mind, but it’s not fair to him to have to listen to me whine or cry when my own story gets too hard.  My mom doesn’t need to hear it because it might make her feel guilty and I don’t want that.  She isn’t to blame for any of it.  Plus, if I’m being honest, they don’t completely understand.  They can’t as they have not lived what I’ve lived.  My husband tries, oh how does he try and I love him so much for that.  If he reads this, he might get his feelings hurt and that is not at all what I’m trying to do.  He is always there for me when I need him and I am so appreciative of that.  I’m an adult, I should be able to stay disciplined enough to follow my dreams.  But I still struggle with depression and anxiety.  Some days it’s still hard to get out of bed.  Some days I just want someone to do everything for me or force me to do what I need to.  I shouldn’t need that, but I’m human and I do.  It’s easier just to float along with life rather than adventure out into something new.  It’s easier to help others reach their goals and dreams than it is to succeed at my own.

Just feeling discouraged today and feeling stupid and selfish.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  We all go through this at times.  Today is just my lucky day!

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